On being a Chinese daughter...

For those of you who haven't read this, please do:
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

After reading this article, I invite you to share my indignation at author Amy Chua. Chua has grossly misportrayed Chinese mothers as arrogant, self-entitled, narcissistic monsters, which I know from experience is not the case. Chua chooses to dwell on the fact that, in Chinese culture, children are supposed to honor the people who gave them life with respect, obedience, and good life outcomes. While this is true, I challenge readers to find more than a handful of parents who want their children to do well, simply because the child's accomplishments will reflect positively on them. However, as an insider, I can tell you this: Chinese parents push their children hard because they know it will help their children after leaving the nest. Chinese parents want to instill in their children a solid sense of work ethic, and give their children a rich background of accomplishments. These two key qualities guarantee that Chinese children will complete their education, and enter the "grown up" world with enough knowledge and experience to survive comfortably. I am not saying that Chinese mothers like Chua do not exist, but I firmly believe that Chua is completely incorrect in offering herself up as a paradigm of Chinese parenting. Having been around parents like Chua before, I know that-in most cases- the children fear and resent their parents' heavy-handed ways, and rarely go on to adapt the same parenting style they grew up with. The ideal Chinese parents push their children hard, and may seem strict and callous; however, they do the things they do out of love (not out of desire for self-advancement).

on finding love...

 I was stopped by a man at the movie theatre the other day. He told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen in his life, and that he wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he hadn't spoken with me. That was rather nice. I must admit my first inclination was that he was mocking me, but he seemed to be rather genuine. Those ephemeral moments are nice. When you see someone you like, and you say, "that person seems like someone I could spend my life with," and the next moment the person is gone, and you cannot be entirely sure how much of that person was real or how much of them was your own projection of what you are longing for. For me, it lends a little magic to the idea that one needs to find love in life. I don't mean to say that I believe the life that awaits me is one devoid of love, but I believe that what I am searching for, is not the love found in all those romantic comedies that people never seem to get tired of. Where love drives our protagonists to extraordinary measures in order to find and win the heart of that special someone that they are looking for. Everyone loves a happy ending, but most of those movies end when the two protagonists find one another. That is not what I am longing for, and I don't want anyone to do that for me. What I want is to find someone I can depend on eternally. Someone I can work with as an equal in all aspects of life, and who will think as highly of me as I do of him. I don't need heart-pounding, drive-you-silly romance. In fact, I rather deplore it. I know from experience it leads me to do things that I am not proud of, and it makes me feel horrible. I can only imagine it's not a day in the park for the other party as well, so if two hearts can be spared, I think that's a good thing. I believe what I am looking for is, in fact, much harder to find than what is showcased on television screens and in movie theatres. I think back on my life, so far, and I've never found a single person remotely close to filling these mighty shoes I've sown. Friends, parents, they all fall short. I am aware that what I ask for is quite possibly unattainable, so I keep this possibility in the back of my head. I think, if all else fails, I will be quite satisfied living alone for all my years. I admit, I will get rather lonely at times, and I will probably envy those that do have find significant others.

I've never been the outgoing type, and I know part of what inhibits me is myself. So, this is me being depressed I suppose. I just...need a pick me up.

the calm before the storm...

I came back to Chicago early because I thought it would be an escape. But I find I'm sorely disappointed. The wheels of my mind are puttering away aimlessly, trying to find the solutions to problems that cannot be answered. Of course, there's the ever-present, ever-annoying looming little thundercloud called, "the boy," but even he is not the heart of my problems. I want to know how things are going to work out for me. I want to know now. Will I become a doctor? Will I make it as a neurologist? When will I finish paying off my school loans? How will I do next semester? Who invented the fountain? How did they work before electricity was harnessed? Where will I live after I have a career? Will I get along with my coworkers? Will I be an ass? Who will I marry? Will I marry? Do I want to marry? Is that something I need to be happy? And kids? What about them? How will I treat my parents after I have a family of my own? See?? Useless, time-wasting questions. I've managed to wile away an entire week on these. A week that should have been filled with blissful nonchalance, or at least getting a head start on homework. But no, I sit here and waste hour after precious hour on questions that I know are best not asked because they cannot be answered. And the fact that I don't know these answered, has drawn me into a state of melancholy that I do not care for, but seem quite incapable of breaking free from. My life, it seems is filled with cages. When I am in school, though I enjoy myself quite a lot, I long for the freedom to do the things I want to do; however, apparently, when school is over, I am equally trapped within my own mind. Today is the first day of a new year, and I desperately hope I can finally wipe my hands clean of the post-graduation depression that dragged me to places darker than I care to describe for 4 months after I graduated from university, and has haunted me ever since. I am rather afraid of falling back into that depression whenever something seems hard or difficult. Thus, this melancholic state I find myself rather irks me- not simply because I am in a bad mood, but because it reminds me of much darker times in my life. I wish I had someone to talk to, but I am unsure what I would talk with this someone about. I'm just...sad, and it's not just because of the uncertainty of what lies before me. Was it because I was expecting my winter vacation to somehow be more spectacular and glamorous than it in fact was? Was it because I wanted more from myself during this vacation, and have failed to meet my own standards? Yes and Yes and Yes, I think. But there's more. There's something else causing me to frown and pout at the screen as I write this. And then I think of my grandparents and my parents, and how they all must have gone through the same things I am going through now, and it leaves me in a state of awe. How ever did they find that special something that helped them defeat their demons, and live happily to 58? 84? 90? I can't imagine having to live that long. It seems like such a vast empty expanse of time to cover. What keeps them going? 

I received some rather bad news today about a close relative of mine. I'm not giving you any more details because I don't think she would appreciate it, assuming she recovers. I'm rather disappointed, also, that I am not more upset about receiving the news, and furthermore upset with myself for thinking only of myself when I ought to be thinking of my relative. I hope she gets better. I do.