I'm not sure if this is what I had in mind, when I claimed that I wanted every day of my life to be worth remembering...but I've got to say that this past week has been extraordinary. In the span of just a few days, things with the "the boy" escalated to blissful new heights, and were plunged into nothingness.
As the title of this post indicates, these are my reflections after my very first broken heart. Perhaps because it came so late in life (I'm currently 22), I feel I'm dealing with it rather well. I spent two days wanting to lock myself in my room and cry, and now I'm just touched with a hint of sadness when I think about it...oh and of course I'm a bit abash, thinking about some of the things that happened between us. I am not going to go into the gory details of my misadventures in the land of love. If that is what you're looking for, reader, I'm positive you can find similar tales in the next blog over or romance novels. No. I'm going to focus on how this all has changed my life. Changed me, even. Having had my heart broken for the very first time, I really need to reconsider who I am. I, being like most people my age, felt like I already knew a lot of things (ok...everything) going into this relationship. I did not think a lot about how it might end, but I had assumed it would end much the same way my other ones had ended: me being and idiot, making a fool of myself, and shrugging the whole thing off- realizing that I had ruined any chances I had at a normal relationship. Basically, I never expected that I would learn anything from the relationship. I never expected the boy had more to offer me than the flirting and Jedi mind-games I'd experienced before. I'm glad I was wrong though. I feel like I've unlocked a whole new stratum of emotional depth that I had no idea existed before. It's horribly cliche to say so, but songs, television, etc mean a lot more now that I feel like I finally understand what it means to "love" someone. No one, ever before in my life, has had the power to plunge me into complete misery, take over my whole consciousness, nor blindside me like this boy has. When I was with him, and things were going well...well it's hard to describe. It wasn't the delirious, giddy happiness one experiences with a crush. The best way I can describe it is as a hopeful satisfaction-- just knowing you got someone else on your team, who is at the same time supporting you, but also looking out for you should you stray too far off the beaten path. And then when it was over...well I'd never experienced pain like that before in my life either. As I mentioned in my previous posts, I've been depressed. This was nothing like that. When I was depressed I was forlorn and unmotivated. After he left, I was miserable. My heart was constantly racing. All I wanted to do was recall our every moment together over and over and over again in my head. Better put, when I was depressed, I was "quiet sad;" after he left me, I was "crazy sad." Nothing else in the world particularly seemed to matter anymore. I didn't care about school, sleep, my appearance. Unlike usual when things are bothering me, I made no attempt to hide that I was upset. I moved through life as if in a trance. People spoke to me, but I didn't hear them. I longed to be home when I could just melodramatically sit in front of my computer, drink beer and spend hour after countless hour talking about it to my friends. If I don't say so myself, I executed it with as much flair and charisma as any Sarah Jessica Parker or Cameron Diaz. At the same time that I was miserable, I was aware there was a certain comedy to the whole "broken heart" thing. Everyone has gone through it-- it's a rite of growing up. So I allowed myself to be weepy and silly and girly, but then I put a lid on it. I am an independent, intelligent young woman- and may someone shoot me the day I rely one someone else for happiness and self-worth. After being in love, you feel like you'll never been happy again until you have someone who can make you feel as your significant other did. This isn't true. You are you own person, and you don't need ANYONE, not a boyfriend, a wife, a mother or a friend to tell you how awesome you are.
So.....I will be spending this Valentine's Day alone, but not lonely. When I look at the boy, I still miss us horribly, but I'm well on my way to getting over it. This whole experience has made me stronger, and a better, functioning member of society. I, who have always thought of myself as socially awkward, now am not afraid to approach other boys and express interest. I'm now emotionally more adult that I ever was before, and for that I am thankful. This opens up a great many new doors in my life, and I will go forward bravely, where every person before me has gone. But no longer will I be afraid and shy, because I have dug this deep into my emotional fibre, and I am ready to dig deeper, and I am ready to once again, search for love.
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