the end of my rope (from 19/2/11)

so far this semester i have counted 2 weeks which have been uneventful, and let me make it clear, those were the only two weeks i've enjoyed so far. i don't mean to sound like a drama queen, and i don't want to come across as the sort who indulges in self-pity, but i feel like my world is crumbling, and i really don't know what to do anymore. Quite honestly, I believe the thing that is upsetting me the most is the fact that I am personally responsible for 98% of all the misfortune that has befallen me. Now, I would never admit this to anyone in person. However, since I can't see any of you, readers, I feel much more comfortable basking in my short-comings.

failure

so i've just gotten back all my midterm scores, and i failed two exams. this is bad. and i only have myself to blame. i have never failed an exam before in my life...yes that's me bragging...and yes, this is possibly the largest blow to my ego i've ever experienced. as a person, i'm generally not very egotistic. self-involved...yes- but that's not quite the same. people are comforting me saying, "well, every one fails at some point. this is just your time. you'll work through it. no worries."
i'm not a defeatist. i don't think my life is over, but i'll admit, i'm shaken to the core and i am worried. it used to be that i was nearly invincible. i was smart. i could go into most exams without studying, and still wouldn't fail. of course...i could sit here and carefully dissect the past 2 months of my life. why did i fail? was there some one or something other than myself to blame? i could do that. but i'm not going to. there is no one on to blame but myself, and the only thing that can make any of this better is to look to the future. i don't need to nit-pick at the past two months to know what i have been doing wrong. i know what i did wrong, and i know exactly how to change it: no more boys, no more parties, no more television, no more gchatting with friends. there wasn't one single event that led to my demise-- i feel like this has been building up for years. i have been chipping away at my consummate student image, taking it apart piece by piece... like a game...seeing how much i could take out before it crumbled.
but no more. i publicly and solemnly swear i am getting back on track. i am not good at balance. i am not good at keeping up with school when problems from the real world pollute my life. this is not an excuse. this is a fact. so from now on...i will always always choose school.
i don't care if this makes me a 36 year old woman who suddenly wakes up one day and realizes she wants a child, but hasn't even had a relationship that lasted more than six months. medical school is my life. i love being here, and i have never been happier in my life. i could lose all of my friends, but if i still had medical school i would be fine. i thought i could survive not giving it 100% of my attention, but i now find this is not the case. medical school and medicine is my world, my fiber, my every dream and desire.
of course, i would love to have a significant other who loves me; of course, i want to be popular and have a lot of friends. i am not a robot. i want to feel loved. but from now on, i need to keep in mind that it doesn't matter if other people love me, if i don't love me- and i won't love me again until i start doing better and feeling safer about my place in medical school.