I came back to Chicago early because I thought it would be an escape. But I find I'm sorely disappointed. The wheels of my mind are puttering away aimlessly, trying to find the solutions to problems that cannot be answered. Of course, there's the ever-present, ever-annoying looming little thundercloud called, "the boy," but even he is not the heart of my problems. I want to know how things are going to work out for me. I want to know now. Will I become a doctor? Will I make it as a neurologist? When will I finish paying off my school loans? How will I do next semester? Who invented the fountain? How did they work before electricity was harnessed? Where will I live after I have a career? Will I get along with my coworkers? Will I be an ass? Who will I marry? Will I marry? Do I want to marry? Is that something I need to be happy? And kids? What about them? How will I treat my parents after I have a family of my own? See?? Useless, time-wasting questions. I've managed to wile away an entire week on these. A week that should have been filled with blissful nonchalance, or at least getting a head start on homework. But no, I sit here and waste hour after precious hour on questions that I know are best not asked because they cannot be answered. And the fact that I don't know these answered, has drawn me into a state of melancholy that I do not care for, but seem quite incapable of breaking free from. My life, it seems is filled with cages. When I am in school, though I enjoy myself quite a lot, I long for the freedom to do the things I want to do; however, apparently, when school is over, I am equally trapped within my own mind. Today is the first day of a new year, and I desperately hope I can finally wipe my hands clean of the post-graduation depression that dragged me to places darker than I care to describe for 4 months after I graduated from university, and has haunted me ever since. I am rather afraid of falling back into that depression whenever something seems hard or difficult. Thus, this melancholic state I find myself rather irks me- not simply because I am in a bad mood, but because it reminds me of much darker times in my life. I wish I had someone to talk to, but I am unsure what I would talk with this someone about. I'm just...sad, and it's not just because of the uncertainty of what lies before me. Was it because I was expecting my winter vacation to somehow be more spectacular and glamorous than it in fact was? Was it because I wanted more from myself during this vacation, and have failed to meet my own standards? Yes and Yes and Yes, I think. But there's more. There's something else causing me to frown and pout at the screen as I write this. And then I think of my grandparents and my parents, and how they all must have gone through the same things I am going through now, and it leaves me in a state of awe. How ever did they find that special something that helped them defeat their demons, and live happily to 58? 84? 90? I can't imagine having to live that long. It seems like such a vast empty expanse of time to cover. What keeps them going?
I received some rather bad news today about a close relative of mine. I'm not giving you any more details because I don't think she would appreciate it, assuming she recovers. I'm rather disappointed, also, that I am not more upset about receiving the news, and furthermore upset with myself for thinking only of myself when I ought to be thinking of my relative. I hope she gets better. I do.
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